 Many people who come to me for help, have already made a determination about their diagnosis based on what they have seen on social media. Now, that's not necessarily a bad thing, but there is something that is often overlooked in these social media posts. "Ron, what could possibly be missing from those social media posts," you might be asking yourself. Well, let me tell you. There is almost always a reason for a symptom to exist. Understanding the reason for the symptom is extremely important in understanding what is really going on. For example, nearly every symptom of PTSD is a coping strategy to keep oneself safe. The problem is when those coping strategies persist beyond the presence of the threat.
One of the things that causes so much confusion, even for mental health professionals, is that a symptom can be caused by several different things, each one, suggestive of a different diagnosis. Let's take social anxiety as an example. Social anxiety may be caused by: 1. The fear that one is going to be hurt again by another person. This is reflective of PTSD, or mistreatment by people in the past. 2. The fear of being embarrassed in the presence of other people, which is the driving factor of Social Anxiety Disorder. 3. The fear that a panic attack may occur in a social setting, making it difficult to leave or escape, which is the core factor behind Panic Disorder. 4. Feeling like you have to put on a persona to engage with other people, which can be exhausting. This is common in introversion and depression. 5. Having had bad social experiences because one struggles to read social cues, understand the dynamics of socialization, and being able to respond effectively in different social situations. All of these may be reflective of Autism. 6. Feeling like the emotions and drama of other people are too consuming and difficult to handle may be a sign of Schizoid Personality Disorder. 7. Believing that people are out to get you may be a sign of paranoia. I could keep going on. The point is, that a person's anxiety about interacting socially and their corresponding behavior, can be caused by several different things. Knowing the reason for the anxiety or its purpose, can help us better understand what is going on. When professional go about making a diagnosis, our goal is to "rule out," things. In other words, identify what it is not, in an effort to reach a conclusion as to what it is. This may sound strange, but if we do not try to rule out things, then we end up ignoring all the other possibilities and settling on the one that seems most obvious. Did you know that hypothyroidism is a major cause of Major Depressive Disorder? If we make the diagnosis without considering it, then we could be doing therapy for years while your thyroid sits there getting worse. Given the dramatic increase in Autism Diagnosis videos on social media platforms, there has been an increase in people thinking that they meet the diagnostic criteria. People frequently cite these videos and and list similarities of their own behaviors. "Well, this person said that they feel uncomfortable around people, and they tend to like the same things, which is all part of Autism." True, it can be part of Autism, but it can also be something else, or even a normal experience. Humans do tend to like the same type of things and sometimes we don't feel comfortable around people. If everyone who experienced this was diagnosed with Autism, then 100% of the population could have been diagnosed with Autism at some point in their life. In summary, it is very important to have a thorough understanding of the condition which you think you have. Part of this thorough understanding is to know where the symptoms overlap with other conditions, what is considered "normal," and the primary cause/reason for the symptom. Most importantly, an effort needs to be made to rule other conditions out before coming to a conclusion.
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 In today’s world, mental health awareness is more important than ever. We’ve made significant strides in understanding mental health struggles, and therapy—including support from Living Waters Counseling—has become an accessible, vital tool for many. However, with this newfound awareness, a subtle danger arises: the temptation to let your mental health diagnosis define who you are.
A Diagnosis Is Just a Part of the Story A mental health diagnosis—whether it’s anxiety, depression, Bipolar Disorder, or any other condition—can offer clarity about what you're experiencing. It may provide useful tools for managing symptoms or explain some behaviors. But a diagnosis is just one chapter in your story. It’s not the entire book. When you allow a diagnosis to become your identity, you risk reducing yourself to just a set of symptoms or labels. Yes, those symptoms are real and deserve attention, but they don't encompass your entirety. You are so much more than a label can describe. Living Waters Counseling professionals often emphasize the importance of looking beyond a diagnosis and focusing on the full scope of your identity—your passions, relationships, achievements, and dreams. We look at how the symptoms may, at times, be adaptive and we look at who you were before they ever developed. The Danger of Defining Yourself by Your Diagnosis When you begin to identify solely with your mental health condition, it can lead to limiting beliefs and behaviors:
You Are More Than Your Struggles Everyone faces challenges, mental health-related or not. The key is not to let those struggles define who you are. If you struggle with mental health, it’s important to remember that this is just one aspect of your life. You are a complex, multi-faceted individual with unique strengths and qualities. Let these struggles help build resilience and strength. Your mental health journey shapes you, but it doesn’t determine your worth. You are valuable because of your creativity, kindness, and ability to empathize. We want to help you separate your diagnosis from your identity, empowering you to see your full potential. Reclaiming Your Identity It’s essential to reclaim the narrative of your life. Here’s how:
Embracing a Complete View of Yourself Mental health is an important part of your well-being, but your identity is much more than a diagnosis. By embracing a complete view of yourself, you allow space for growth, self-acceptance, and joy. Your diagnosis does not define you—what defines you is your resilience, your values, and the positive impact you bring to the world. Final Thoughts Mental health diagnoses can provide clarity, but they are not the defining feature of who you are. By focusing on your strengths, seeking support, and practicing self-compassion, you can embrace the fullness of your identity beyond your diagnosis. Whether through personal reflection or guidance from Living Waters Counseling, remember you are not your struggles—you are a beautifully complex individual deserving of love, growth, and success.  EMDR is a hot topic right now, but what is it? Can it help you? Let's explore it together. Understanding EMDR: A Powerful Approach to Healing Trauma Trauma can leave deep emotional scars that often feel impossible to overcome. Whether it’s from a past abusive relationship, a traumatic event, or unresolved childhood experiences, the effects of trauma can linger and affect various aspects of life—mental health, relationships, and overall well-being. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a therapy technique that has gained recognition for its ability to help individuals heal from trauma and distressing life experiences. But what exactly is EMDR, and how does it work? What is EMDR? EMDR is a type of psychotherapy developed by Francine Shapiro in the late 1980s. It was initially designed to treat post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), but over time, it has been found to be effective for a range of emotional issues, including anxiety, depression, phobias, and even grief. The therapy involves a structured eight-phase approach that helps individuals reprocess traumatic memories and negative beliefs, ultimately allowing them to heal from emotional distress. The hallmark of EMDR is its use of bilateral stimulation, most often in the form of guided eye movements, though tapping or sounds can also be used. How Does EMDR Work? EMDR operates on the idea that trauma disrupts the brain’s ability to properly process memories. Instead of being stored in a healthy way, traumatic experiences can become stuck, causing ongoing emotional and psychological distress. These unprocessed memories often lead to flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, and a constant state of heightened anxiety or fear. The goal of EMDR is to help the brain process and reframe these memories, transforming the way they’re stored. This is done through the following process:
Why is EMDR Effective? EMDR’s effectiveness is largely due to its unique combination of components. The bilateral stimulation—whether eye movements, tapping, or sounds—appears to help the brain process and integrate memories in a healthier way. The therapy bypasses the need for clients to talk in-depth about their trauma (though some discussion may happen) and instead focuses on reprocessing memories at an emotional and physiological level. This makes it a gentler, less verbally intense option for many people who find traditional talk therapy difficult or overwhelming. Additionally, EMDR has been extensively researched and has shown high success rates, particularly in individuals with PTSD and trauma-related disorders. It's endorsed by organizations like the American Psychological Association (APA) and the World Health Organization (WHO) as an effective treatment for trauma. Who Can Benefit from EMDR? While EMDR is most well-known for treating trauma, it can also be beneficial for a wide range of emotional challenges. These include:
What to Expect During an EMDR Session Each EMDR session is different, as it is tailored to your specific needs and the memories you're working to process. Sessions usually last around 60 to 90 minutes, and you’ll likely need several sessions to see significant results. During a session, you can expect to be asked to focus on a particular memory or event that has caused emotional distress. While you follow the therapist’s finger or another form of bilateral stimulation, you’ll be encouraged to notice any thoughts, images, or feelings that arise. The process may initially feel intense or uncomfortable, but many people experience significant emotional relief and a sense of closure after just a few sessions. Over time, the memories associated with the trauma should lose their intensity and emotional charge, allowing you to live more fully in the present. Take away EMDR is a groundbreaking approach to healing trauma and emotional distress, offering a powerful alternative to traditional therapies. By using bilateral stimulation to help reprocess traumatic memories, EMDR enables individuals to break free from the grip of past experiences and move forward with greater emotional balance and resilience. If you’re struggling with the effects of trauma or emotional distress, consider speaking with a certified EMDR therapist. It could be the first step toward regaining peace, healing your mind, and reclaiming your life.  The Monsters That are Stress & Anxiety
Stress and anxiety are monsters that we battle with on a daily basis. These monsters can take the shape of hyper vigilance in any social setting that you don’t feel safe in. Or that feeling like the weight of the world is on your shoulders every month when it’s time to pay the bills. Anxiety is that monster pounding on your heart leading up to a public speaking event, the dread of being called into the boss’s office, the fear of the unknown. Stress is an overwhelming monster that leaves your body feeling as if it’s been so tightly compacted into itself that you just might explode or simply fall apart with the slightest additional weight added on. Just like in any fantastical battle against monsters like dragons and behemoths, you’ll need some weapons and tools of your own if you are to go up against stress and anxiety. In just a second, I’m going to share with you 5 coping tools to help you manage and cope with the daily ups and downs of stress and anxiety. These are quick and simple tools that you can use at any time and in any place, that ‘s the beauty of them. I teach and practice these tools with most, if not all of my clients as a way to set them up for success and to ultimately help them reign in their levels of stress and anxiety to more manageable and healthier levels so that they can get back to living. 5 Easy Ways to Reduce Daily Stress and Anxiety
Written by Dax Johnson Sources: American Psychological Association. (2023). Stress in america 2023: A nation recovering from collective trauma. American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/stress/2023/collective-trauma-recovery Bence, S. (2023, June 14). Grounding: Its meaning, benefits, and exercises to try. Verywell Health. https://www.verywellhealth.com/grounding-7494652 Raman, R. (2023, April 4). How to safely get vitamin D from the sun. Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/vitamin-d-from-sun#amount-of-skin It is important to understand the symptoms of trauma and dissociation. In this installment we will focus upon the symptoms/signs of Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), dissociation, being one of them. In particular, the focus will be upon Complex or Type 2 PTSD. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders is the compendium used in the field to aid in diagnosis and research. There are some differences between the criteria in the DSM and identified by researchers in the field, which, if you research the topic, you may find. The following is based upon the DSM-5 Criteria. Criteria: A:
In the next installment, I will explore specific elements of these symptoms and how you may be able to help your loved one. Ron It has come to my attention that there are few, if any, resources for the family members of those who suffer from Posttraumatic Stress Disorder and/or Dissociation. Given that this is an area of expertise for me, I thought I might start providing some basic information for those families.
In this short introductory post, I will outline what will come in this blog series. I will work diligently to add content at least a few times a month. Okay, I will try my best. Anyways, back to our topic. Families should understand the following things: 1. If a person suffered severe, long lasting, interpersonal trauma (trauma by another person), their resolve to trust people is likely limited. 2. The closer the relationship the greater the vulnerability. The greater the vulnerability, the greater the risk of being hurt again. Therefore, the person is more likely to act out with those closest to them. 3. This acting out is often, but not always, an unconscious effort to determine if they can actually trust you and if they are safe. A single violation (or perceived violation) of trust, can have devastating consequences to the person and the relationship. 4. The acting out and other symptoms/signs of trauma and dissociation are a coping strategy to help a person survive worst case scenarios. Unfortunately, when a person is not in a worst case/traumatic situation, the coping strategies can become maladaptive. 5. There are several different degrees of dissociation, ranging from normal to abnormal. Everybody experiences some degree of dissociation. It can range from basic daydreaming all the way to the development of separate personality states. 6. Dissociation is a form of coping. 7. We all have different personality states. The difference between the average person and someone with Dissociative Identity Disorder is the degree of separation between the core self and the personality states, as well as the purpose of the personality states. 8. Treatment is typically broken down into three stages: Stabilization, Remembrance and Mourning, and Reconnection. Treatment of Dissociative Identity Disorder incorporates several other elements within these stages, but it follows the same basic pattern. 9. Stabilization comprises most of the work and includes six primary areas of focus: Understanding the symptoms/signs, self-care, self-soothing, felt safety, trust, and boundaries. 10. Trust, safety, and boundaries are the essential factors that cause a person to act out in close relationships. Vulnerability requires a person to trust, feel safe, and know boundaries will be respected. In the next installment, I will start by helping families understand the symptoms/signs of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder and the more severe form of dissociation, Dissociative Identity Disorder. Ron Men, please give me a moment of your time. I know that there are a good percentage of us who have experienced those difficult days, months or even years where you were uncertain if your marriage was going to make it. If you are like many of us, you cope in some predictable ways, most of which are destroying your chances of winning her back. What seems the best thing to do is often quite the opposite, while what seems scarey is probably the best. Before I continue, let me say that there are no guarantees this will work. There are too many variables involved to make such a promise. As Freud once quipped;
“The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is ‘What does a woman want?’”. SIGMUND FREUD, as quoted in Ernest Jones' Sigmund Freud: Life and Work Let’s begin with one of the more difficult questions that must be answered; one that will allow us to explore these common, yet destructive tendencies. Here it is, "What is it about you that has contributed to this problem?" Before saying, “nothing," or making that huffing sound we tend to make when we don't want to talk about something, take a second to consider the answer. Let’s be realistic, there is nothing that you can do to change your wife, despite everything you've been told. The only way to encourage your wife to change is to change yourself. Marriages are like finely tuned watches, each gear or part is reliant upon and influenced by the others. When you change, you influence change in others. Now back to that pesky question. Take a second to think about it. There must be a list of things that your wife wants you to change somewhere. If they are like most wives, the list is probably multiple pages. That’s alright. Many of us have been there. In fact, I have no doubt that my wife still has a list somewhere. I just pray that it is shorter than it has been in the past. This list is your cheat sheet. Your wife is giving you the answers. It’s like the teacher given you all the answers to the test and you just throw it away. She is not just telling you this stuff to be a nag, grump or other less tasteful adjectives; she is telling you what she needs, and what she needs is what can turn this thing around. Let’s move on. For the most part, when a relationship is on the rocks men start to feel distress, anxiety, uncertainty and insecurity. Do you ask your spouse “What’s wrong,” “are you okay,” “did I do something wrong,” or some equivalent daily? These questions are asked for a couple of reasons. The first is to find out how you can help your spouse feel better. The second, and probably the real reason, is to reduce your distress. You are playing detective because not knowing leads to uncertainty and uncertainty leads you to think about sleeping in your car, while she is at home cuddled up with your best friend. Not a fun thought at all. How does your spouse respond? Do they say, "nothing," or "I'm just tired?" This is secret women code that we have yet to decipher. When we get these types of answers our minds start to run wild. We think to ourselves, "she is so distant," "what’s going on, what’s going to happen," and so on. What do we, as men, do next? We ask again, but this time in a more demanding tone. Our insecurity has changed into frustration and will eventually become anger. DO NOT walk to the edge of this cliff fella’s; it’s a trap. Women want you to show an interest in them and that you care. When we are in this state of mind we go into desperation mode followed by fighting mode. When we reach desperation we start to emotionally suffocate and this makes you look desperate. Have you ever seen a singles add that reads, "desperate man looking to emotionally suffocate woman?" Probably not, because women would run as far away as fast as they can. When you do this to your wife it is no different. What if you were to say, “I understand, if there really was something wrong I want you to know that it’s okay to tell me whenever you want. I’m here. Since you’re tired, can I get you a pillow?” and leave it at that. Don’t say anything else about it! This is doing a couple of things. First it shows that you care. Second, it shows that you’re not dumb. Third, it shows that you have confidence in her and that you are not one of those insecure guys who smother. Fourth, it shows that you can give her time and space. See, time and space doesn’t typically mean what most guys think. Time does not mean eons and space doesn’t mean that she's moving to France with that waiter down the street. Give it time. Take it slow. Show consistent concern and keep working on yourself. Before we leave the topic of desperation, let me address another common mistake. Desperation leads us to do stupid things like hack Facebook accounts t, checking cell phones or hovering over them to see who they're texting. It’s no different than a stalker sitting outside of their bedroom window and it makes you look creepy. Look, if she is going to cheat there is no stopping her. If she isn’t planning on finding someone else, your creepy behavior may just change her mind. I understand that desperation is bred from uncertainty, but you can be certain that you will be even more desperate if you keep it up. Now let’s take a look and the next step we take down this rocky road of bad choices. Over time, uncertainty will become buried and replaced with frustration, anger and a level of jerkiness we never thought we could reach. When this happens, men develop a damaging pattern called Projective Identification. What is Projective Identification? It is one of the most destructive coping strategies in a relationship that I have seen throughout my career. See, typically men don't like to feel certain emotions (e.g. insecurity, jealousy, uncertainty, fear, and so on). Over time we learn to deal with these emotions by getting rid of them. We project them onto our spouse. Let’s say you feel insecure. You don’t like that feeling so you project it onto your spouse. What happens when your spouse is not insecure? You then jump on the train of delusion and believe it anyways, or you can somehow cause her to feel insecure. By causing her to feel insecure, she now feels the emotion we projected on her. Over time, this can lead her to adopt these emotions as her own. Let me give another simple example. You feel insecure because she is not telling you what’s bothering her. It even feels like she is giving you the silent treatment. You had enough of this nonsense, so you are going to give her a better silent treatment. In fact, you will give her a silent treatment as you walk out of the house and not tell here where you am going. Guess what, she is now probably feeling that same insecurity you felt during the silent treatment. This insecurity may cause her to isolate emotionally, leading to more desperation for you. How about another example. She seems distant from you and there has been little intimacy. Something must be going on right? You start to feel jealous and this is driving you nuts. You exchange that jealousy for anger, project the jealousy on her and then hop on Facebook and friend that cute girl you work with. Oops, and she “accidentally” found your Facebook page open and saw all the messages you sent to “the other woman.” Yep, now she is feeling insecure and a bit jealous. But just like you, this is being exchanged for anger, because she doesn't like feeling that emotion either. Tit for tat as they always say, and she starts sharing her emotional pain with the guy in the office across the hall. How do we address this issue of Projective identification? Often times, those feelings we have deep in our gut are the same feelings that your spouse is feeling. It is important that you understand this. If you are feeling it, she is probably feeling it as well. If you feel insecure, what is making your wife feel insecure? If she feels secure with you, I doubt you will feel insecure with her. Get my point? This same process goes with other emotions such as jealousy, and fear. It is our job to understand our true emotions and how to effectively communicate them; not relying upon the projective Identification process. As you spin down this downward spiral, you adopt another coping strategy called Reaction Formation. Reaction Formation is acting or believing opposite of what you truly want. You want her close but the anger and frustration has become so strong that you push her away. You want intimacy, but you feel so rejected that you reject your spouse. Too often the statement "It'll be her loss,” is tossed out. Guess what, that nonsense only sounds good to friends. Doubtful it will continue to work as you tell this to your unshaven and unkempt self in the mirror in an effort boost your ego. If it was her loss, why are you feeling the way you do? We need to swallow our overly puffed up male pride and admit that we hurt, we want her back and that we need to grow up and be a man. You know those chick flicks they watch all the time. You know the one where she is about to leave for a faraway country and he chases after her to tell her how much he loves her. Notice that little tear in your spouse’s eye when that happens. Guess what, your spouse sees that as chivalrous. Chivalry, a word that is becoming extinct in our modern culture. It is a word that means brave, courageous, daring, loyal and willing to do what it takes to protect those we love. If we haven’t already dug the hole deep enough, the next step in our destructive process is to go into double desperation. So far nothing has worked. Your fear has turned to anger and you are pushing her further away. What do we do now? We make them scared for us. We must somehow make them care for us; to be concerned for us. Some may make subtle suicidal threats, some may become physically ill, and some may disappear altogether. Although your spouse may feel concerned, underneath that concern is contempt. A contempt that you made her feel emotions that she is not ready to feel. A contempt that you scared her. A contempt that you made her concerned about you when she doesn't even feel safe with you. Women know that this is a trick in the desperate mans playbook. One single incident of double desperation will damage your chances of making this work. Just don't do it. If you have already made this mistake you need to make amends. When your spouse feels safe enough with you, you and her need to sit down together and talk heart to heart. You need to share your shame about making such a move and causing them pain. You need to, as best as you can, assure them that you never want them to go through that again. Double desperation makes you look frightening, unstable and quite honestly, not like someone she would take home to meet mom. It is a guaranteed backfire in your attempt to win her back. Even if it appears to have worked, in the long run, it will have a negative impact upon the relationship. Our desperation leads us down a very dark and destructive path, yet we think that it is the only way to win them back. What we really need to do is become men. Not the emasculated image of the modern man found in our current culture; but confident, strong, caring, loving, protective, patient, trustworthy, trusting, and safe men. Your spouse should see you as her partner not her enemy; her protector not a threat, her rock not a dependent wimp. Get out of your own way, put the pride down, stop being your own worst enemy and listen to what she is telling you. She is giving you the answer. This information is simply for consideration and not intended to serve as clinical advice. If you find yourself in a similar predicament, I encourage you to seek professional guidance from a pastor, counselor or psychologist. With all respect, Ron J. Llewelyn Psy.D. |
Dr. Ron J. LlewelynClinical Psychologist 
Dax Johnson
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